By stroke of luck, this blogh performs very well in search engines for the phrase: nasty things to do with a pickle. I’m not sure why, but no publicity is bad publicity, and we all live like animals in one way or another.
And so, to fully take advantage of the opportunity presented by this good fortune, here are a few ideas for Nasty Things To Do With A Pickle (Only, When It Is Still a Cucumber). More ideas are always welcome.
1> Slice the pickle lengthwise into quarters (N.B.; this only works with long, thick, juicy slicing cukes) and just marvel at how long and thick and juicy it was. Place one slice beneath your nose, then curl your upper lip upward until you’ve locked it in place (N.B. #2: may not work for those with thin or inflexible upper lips). I once knew someone with a particularly long-and-wiry sort of moustache, which held onto breadcrumbs, velcro-like; if you’ve ever been with a guy with a moustache that serves as a secret hideaway for similar traces of his lunch, you’ll know that these types are just made of nasty. With your new cucumber moustache, you can be too.
2> Hollow out one of those cute decorative jagged-edged bowls like people do when serving booze out of watermelon or pineapples. Serve booze out of it. What goes well with cucumbers? Vodka, probably. Vodka almost always leads to nasty things, or at the very least, hairbrush-microphoned Michael Jackson dance-alongs.
3> Eating contest (can be achieved with cucumbers or pickles, though pickles will most likely end with more nast-o).
4> Of course, you don’t actually have to do THE nasty thing that you’re probably in search of. But here’s an idea: pretend you did the nasty thing that you’re thinking about doing with a pickle, and then rush yourself right into your local friendly emergency room, embarrassedly cop to having actually done the nasty thing, and let them root around up there for it. They never will, and you’re likely to have more than one set of instruments gucking around in there by the end of the night. Even nastier than the real thing, without any of the dangers, and cheaper than a plane ticket (maybe).
Shit. It occurs to me that if you’re searching for this choice phrase, the above statement (A JOKE) could well be an idea you execute on. Terms and Conditions and Disclaimers Etc: Don’t do that. If you do, it’s your own fault. I was joking, as was clearly marked on this here internet blogh website.
Back to regular Cooter Hollow business in a day or two. I have so much to tell you about my fruit tree covers.